Your Civic Doody.

Lynch Mob; or: Sears Blue Velvet Crew.

Today is one of those days that makes my job worthwhile.   I'm working on a commercial for a retail store, but instead of shooting on a sound stage or an operational store, the location people found an abandoned "Great Outdoors" store in Schaumburg, Illinois, and built a set inside of it. 

So here I am, shooting a funny commercial on the set of "Inland Empire". Weird. Weird. Love it. So weird. Why oh why don't I go everywhere with my SLR camera? 

In lieu of the aforementioned, please accept these iPhone photos. Real-time price check. Creepiest place, guaranteed.

Fear and Rove-ing in Ohio.

From somewhere in Ohio. A state that elected Obama.

God bless.

Courtesy of the lovely and talented Ed Flynn.

Everyone has a mom... Even this guy.

congratulations, small business owner, for thanking your mother for all the world to see: anonymously posted outside your adult video store.

I wonder if he got her a gift for mothers day, maybe a nice film like "stop... Or my mom will shoot on your face!" Or the perrenial classic, "Casaspanka."

Debauchery.

Big news Chicago ended it's first run tonight, and this is the debauchery I see. Amazing and petrifying.

Take cover, it's a bacon explosion.

No words. No words. Except maybe: explosion.

New Jersey, how I love ye.

Anyone who has driven in new jersey will understand me when I say: fucking fucktard cock bag face fuck.

This state has a perfect storm of poor signage and criminally insane motorists. As such, I was edged off of route 9 and onto a surface street by a ford bronco. In the upside, I found out something lovely about this fair state: perfect, undisturbed pickets of ethnic food. Case in point: Korean!

Bud. Wise. Er.

Here is the dream team. Alan, Chris, Gary Tiedemann, Jen LaForte, and yours truly.

Living a little piece if the dream, in a parking garage in Chicago. If I weren't on hold for the next shot, I'd offer someone a handjob in their car.

The lush life of a professional actor.

Ladies and gentlemen, meet Chris Meister and Alan Aquino: two of Chicago's finest screen actors.

These guys are here with me in holding for a budweiser commercial. It will be aired during the superbowl.... In Ireland. Dang. Two out of three.

We are all using our copious theatrical training to appear on camera as if it is not 11 degrees and winter, but 70 degrees and summer.

Acting!

Ae

Do you love food?

It's bad enough to find something like a used condom in am elevator. But on my way home today, I found a used bag of bagel chips thrown on the floor of my elevator. The half eaten, wrinkled sack had the look of someone who tore into it the same way someone might tear into a lover. Did someone date rape this bag of chips?

We really need to work on our relationship with food in this country.

So to all you FCC scholars out ther: when someone tells you that they want a fucking sandwich, remember that sometimes, the expletive is not meant in it's fleeting sense.

Why republicans will beat democrats.

Tapped from my iPhone
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By now everyone has heard of or seen first hand the insideous commercial aired by john McCain last week featuring Paris Hilton. And if you really love me, you've watched my response below. People are amazed by her response. And true, she does seem remarkably lucid. Intelligent even. Best of all, the only special interests she has are named jimmy, louis, and blow.

Maybe she would be a great candidate. Okay, as long as the fancy lasts, I'll indulge it. But by far the most priceless reaction to the ad was from Ms. Hilton's own parents -- or rather, their non-reaction. They made some sort of magnanimous declaration that the commercial was a waste of money, money that the Hiltons themselves donated to Mr. McCain. Why did they not repudiate the commercial? The whole tactic of dirty campaigning? The candidate himself? Because republicans are ruthless mutherfuckers, and daughterfuckers, and with that sociopathic focus on message they will win the day.

The Hiltons literally sacrificed their kid for the sake of the message. When have democrats ever been that Spartan? Can you imagine if Obama had released a commercial featuring Stephen Baldwin, saying something like "john McCain is all washed up. He hasn't had a hit in years." the Baldwin family would have shoved an apple in Obama's mouth and eaten him at a great Baldwin feast.

And this is why democrats are good, just, losers. We don't know how to shut up and fall in line. In these uncertain times, that might be a good survival skill to have.

So let's try a little experiment: when Obama begins to mention that we should do some offshore drilling, don't say that this is a capitally retarded idea. Is it? Of course it is. But if it convinced some swing voter in Ohio with a mortgage payment and a chevy suburban to actually vote his interests and connect the Obama arrow, then a greater good has been done.

My gay best friend said it best, in 2004. "hey, john Kerry. I'm gay, and you have my vote. Now please, never speak of me again."