8 Tips To Speed Up Your iPhone, Or: Fuck You Very Much, Apple.

So my iPhone is behaving like a special needs baby.  I know:  callous.  Offensive even.  But when you see the following list of what I laughingly call "tips" to speed up a sluggish iPhone, you'll understand why.  This list of 8 has been batted around the internet quite a bit.

Speed Up Your iPhone: 8 Tips & Tricks

• Leave free space. Leaving around 750MB of free space allows the iPhone to create more virtual memory.
• Less Email! Email downloading in the background is the number one cause of my iPhone slowness. Under settings you’ll be able to show less recent message.
• Get email less often. Uhh, What? It makes sense in terms of performance, but not to the email enthusiast. Checking for mail every 5 minutes will slow down your phone’s performance. Try using something longer – hourly or manually will greatly improve the performance of your phone for you email junkies.
• Delete old text messages (SMS).
• Apps Apps Apps! The more apps = the more screen rendering. Remove your unused apps.
• Clear Safari’s cache. You can do so under settings > safari > clear cache.
• Turn off Bluetooth and or WiFi. This can also help improve battery performance.
• If all else fails, try doing a reboot. Hold both buttons for a few seconds.

This is why I call the iPhone a special needs cellular device.  Because in order to interact with it, we are required by Apple to use it below its full potential; we must treat it like a tiny, flightless baby bird. In reality, all iPhone wants is for people to interact with it the way we'd interact with a normal phone.  It just wants to be treated equally. But no, Papa Apple says treat it special. Problem with speed? Don't fill the hard drive! Don't use Bluetooth! Don't us email! Don't use Safari! Don't run two apps at once!  DO NOT STRESS IPHONE OUT!

If someone sold you a four-slot toaster that didn't work, and you asked a toaster expert what was wrong, and the toaster expert said, "Hmm.  Maybe you should try only using two slots," you'd drown him in your bathtub.  Let's not let Apple pretend that these are rational responses to a technical problem.  The answer is that Apple can't keep up with the demand for speed.  But obviously, in this situation honesty not the best monetary policy.

So fuck you, Apple.  Fuck you very much.  And please take this 400 dollars for your next phone.

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