An Editorial by Aemilia
Scott, angry Chicagoan.
Hey New
York: Suck it! SUCK IT! You feel that?
That’s the feeling of Chicago coming up behind you and stealing your
city’s thunder. Chicago is the
Second City no longer. We are now
the First City of endemic, bald faced, corruption. Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich has pushed us to number
one! NUMBER ONE! Every other urban center in America can
suck Chicago’s Rod.
I can clearly
remember the pathetic grandstanding you New Yorkers did this year over Elliot
Spitzer. “Oh, look at me, I’m from
New York, My governor resigned because he spent 4000 bucks boinking a chick
from New Jersey.” You know what? I could spend 4000 bucks boinking a
chick from New Jersey if I really wanted to. And I’m not even running for Senate yet.
Your
gubernatorial scandals fucking suck, New York. Blagojevich is in jail, and his predecessor Governor George
Ryan is also in jail. That’s two
consecutive Governors in Jail at once.
EAT IT, New York State.
Governor Patterson done anything dirty lately? I fucking doubt it.
I’m surprised
you can even call yourself corrupt anymore, considering Spitzer resigned almost
immediately after we all found out about his NJ Sexcapades. He resigned? Because of an NJBJ?
Blagojevich did a perp walk downtown this morning after we all found out
that he was ready to take money away from a children’s hospital, and he was
taking bids for a Senate seat, and if no one else stepped up with enough cash
he was planning on taking the seat himself. Did he resign today?
Of course the fuck not.
Blagojevich posted bail, went home, did his wife and had a good night’s sleep,
that’s what. If Blagojevich ever
resigns, you can guarantee he’ll be receiving oral sex under the podium as he
delivers the announcement, just to stick it to Spitzer. Because that’s how we do.
Do you want
to go city for city, New York? You
think Giuliani was an ice-cold motherfucking badass? I’ve got six words for you: The Honorable Richard M. Daley, Mayor. “Ooh, I’m a New Yorker. Giuliani always made quality of life
arrests, and he kicked all those poor bums out of Times Square. See you at Balthazar for Bellinis.” You’d better drink that Bellini to kill
the pain of being schooled by Chicago and its rock fucking solid political
machine.
Ever heard of
Interstate 94? Well, mayor Daley
built that. Richard J. Daley. Know why? Grandpa Daley built I-94 to keep Black people on the south
side of Chicago. Yeah, New York,
finish the Sunday Times Puzzle and STEP OFF, because Chicago needs your table
at Bernadin. Yeah, we got your
reservation. Because our Mayor
threatened to pull your liquor license and turn Bernadin into an Applebees. That’s how we do.
Richard M.
Daley didn’t mess around with any “Times Square Beautification” or “Quality of
Life Arrests” bullshit that could possibly be misconstrued as having a positive
impact on the population of New York City as a whole. Leave that to Koch and Giuliani and Bloomberg. Oh hey, do all your past mayors have
different last names? How fucking
adorable.
Former
Governor George “16627-424” Ryan could give you a truck driver’s license if you
pay him enough money. If your
truck’s load falls off because you’re an illegal immigrant who can’t drive and
that load kills a van full of children, you know what Mayor Daley says? “What, you got some dead
relatives? My grandpa built that
goddamn expressway, so I expect a Christmas card this year thanking me for
letting your dead relatives use it.
Checks payable to Richard M. Daley, Ice-Cold Mayor.”
New York
mayors are an insult to the word “corrupt.” Daley doesn’t even mess around with pretending to help the
city. Need another example, you
Met-Sponsoring Sohosexuals?
Chicago used to have an airfield called Meigs Field. Last year, in the middle of the night
he had a construction crew bulldoze two huge Xs in the runway so no more planes
could land. Why? Because he doesn’t like plane noise
near his house. Why didn’t he get
permission? Because his name is on
the manhole covers, you mincing, Atlantic pantywaists. And the best part is, the construction
company bulldozed that shit at midnight for free, because they’re all his
extended family who he hired in the first place! Mayor Daley, you and Still-Governor Blajojevich are putting
this state back on the map.
Blagojevich
is the logical intersection of genius and badass. He’s a gebadniuasss.
Oh, I’m sorry, is that not a word?
Does that offend your need for logic and reason? Does it inspire some sort of East Coast
homosexual impulse to tell William Saffire on me? Well, when Blagojevich tells Cubs and Tribune Owner Sam Zell
to put “Gebadniuasss!” in 100 point font on the front page of the Chicago
Tribune, they’ll fucking do it for him.
Because if they don’t, the Trib goes bankrupt and a whole bunch of kids
die of caner. And that’s how he
do.
So Suck it,
New York. Suck it hard. Until you get yourself a REAL
clusterfuck of corruption to report, you’ll always be sitting in the backseat. Don’t cry, NY, it’s comfortable back
there. Blagojevich bought the car
as a business expense and uses that back seat for all the hookers we haven’t
found yet. And when we find them,
he won’t lose any sleep. Because
that’s how we do.
