Your Civic Doody.

Utah is for lovers.

So I'm staying in a super 8 motel off interstate 70 in green river Utah. We get into our room, and find that instead of a California king sized bed as advertised, we have something entirely different and more sinister. The Utah king. You and me and the bible makes three.

Big News Chicago: Presidenting while Black.

More from the June 6 Big News Explosion:  Our President, it seems, can't leave the South Side no matter how far he travels.

Big News Chicago - D.W.B. from aemilia scott on Vimeo.

More madness from Big News Chicago for June 6, 2009:  Murder is Murder!

Big News Chicago -- "Christian Talk" from aemilia scott on Vimeo.

Big News Chicago: desperation, American style.

Big News Chicago for Saturday, June 6.  I'm not in this, but I requested this sketch and I damn well demanded that it be in the show.  One of the many perks of being a showrunner.

Big News Chicago - "Hummers" from aemilia scott on Vimeo.

Ron Santo finally Loses it.

Big News!  We're back... until June 27th.  Catch us before we go into hiding again.

From the annals of Big News Chicago: Pat and Ron calling the Cub's 8th straight loss, and Ron finally telling it how it is.  

Written by Scott Stewart and Ted Tremper 

Performed by Gary Tiedemann and Andrew Ritter 

Directed by Aemilia Scott 

Audio Production by Gary Tiedemann

Everyone has a mom... Even this guy.

congratulations, small business owner, for thanking your mother for all the world to see: anonymously posted outside your adult video store.

I wonder if he got her a gift for mothers day, maybe a nice film like "stop... Or my mom will shoot on your face!" Or the perrenial classic, "Casaspanka."

Yeast Protest video -- featured on Indieoma

Here is the Best Church of God Yeast Protest video I shot and edited. It was selected to be featured on indieoma.com -- a site that promotes interesting videos about interesting things.

Best Church of God -- Yeast Protest. from aemilia scott on Vimeo.

Was "North and South" on TV recently?

One of the nice features of having a blog on TypePad is that you can track the stats of your readers and the origins of their clicks.  Yesterday and today I noticed something odd:  I've been getting quite a few hits from a referring address that is actually a Google Image Search for "Richard Armitage North and South".  

This is complicated for me.  While I love finding increased traffic on my site, I have to admit that this particular post might be one of the most embarrassing for me, because in it I reveal the fact that rather than spending my Christmas holiday watching "Repo Man" or "Eraserhead" or "The Decline of Western Civilization" like a good film hipster, I spent the week watching a BBC period piece.

And the only reason one would Gogle (Google + Ogle) Richard Armitage would be if they saw his smoldering hotness in "North and South".  

Now, either "North and South" has been on TV recently, or the economic downturn and threat of a Swine Flu pandemic has forced wanton media consumers into the arms of English costume dramas.  However, if getting a nice case of H1N1 Influenza is what's worrying you, might I suggest that there are better historical time periods to fantasize about than those before the dawn of microbiology, where people died of things like "hysteria" and "consumption" and "winter."

Yours etc.,

Aemilia Scott

P.S.  Now I am forced to watch the series again in its entirety.  Thank you, faceless horde of Internet.

Moustache Rides: One Trillion Dollars.

So... I was checking out Obama's press conference about his first 100 days in office, and I couldn't help but notice that Mr. President is rocking a real 100-o'clock shadow here.

So that got me thinking about facial hair and race politics.  If you think that Al Gore got shit for growing a William Riker after he lost the election, can you imagine the shit that Obama would get for growing an Isaac Hayes?  That would lose him the election.  So I thought I'd do a little public service by giving Obama the facial hair he so richly deserves (and seems to be beating back less effectively nowadays).

Equation #1: Obama + Burt Reynolds = 

Equation #2:  Obama + Mario Van Peebles = 

Equation #3:  Obama + Lawrence Fishburne = 

The Reverend Joy Phillips presents: This I Know!

Here she is, in all her strawberry-blond glory. I performed this with "The Best Church of God" at our Easter Service.

Reverend Joy Phillips, in "This I know" - Easter! from aemilia scott on Vimeo.

Huffington Post: Vagina, We Hardly Knew Ya.

Aemilia Scott: Vagina, We Hardly Knew Ya

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Vagina, we hardly knew ya.

Below is embedded the most recent episode of South Park. The Episode is entitled "Eat, Pray, Queef." It was recommended to me by a relatively hip carpenter a few days ago because he knows I am a comedy writer. Having worked through many a queef joke, I have to admit I wasn't juiced to see it. I watched last night because I only had 22 minutes to give, and <i>Dollhouse</i> makes my brain hurt. My God. Sweet, Queefing Jesus. I don't think I've ever seen a better argument for feminism on mainstream television. Of course, leave it to South Park to make the one decent, logical argument that <i>doesn't</i> include staid feminist propaganda but <i>does</i> include a State Senator queefing a monologue from <i> Roadwarrior.</i> The story sets up a dialectic between the fart and the queef -- the two poofs as different gender sides of the same gross-out coin. [Never thought I'd have 'dialectic' and 'queef' in the same sentence. Suck it, Hegel.] Anyhoof, the boys are excited to see a new episode of Terrence and Phillip, but are horrified to find the show preempted by a female-oriented show -- Katherine and Katie? -- which are the doppelgangers of T and P, queefing their way through life with great merriment. The first scene plays the same game as all of T and P's bits, except K and K are in a gynecologists office, and blow the toupee off of their vag doctor through vigorous queefage. The boys are horrified -- of course, horrified in the same way the girls were of the farts. Gender roles are swapped, hilarity ensues. Cue Martha Stewart teaching us to add festive accents to our queefs for spingtime, Regis and Kelly talking about queefs, et cetera. After I saw the episode and talked to the carpenter, I told him that I thought it was great. He said, "I thought it was funny, but I didn't get what it was trying to say." I was going to need to prove my point. So I said, loud enough that the whole hot mess of construction workers could hear: "Vagina. MY Vagina. That one, right down THERE." I could live off nothing but their horrified expressions for a week. Well, water, those expressions, and tampons. For my vagina. It never gets old. And therein lies the moist crux of the issue. I can remember clearly the first time I took an improv class. I was one of two women in the class, and as is often the case in beginning work, the improv goes very sexual very fast. It makes sense -- a sort of shaking off of the everyday repression that comedians can't be a part of if they're going to make people laugh. And so the men say: Dick and dick and dick and dick! Look at my cock and balls! I'm going to put my cock and balls in your butt! Butt and Cock and Balls! And it's always really funny, because everybody feels like a real comedian for the first time. Everyone laughs. And so I get up and say: Vagina. Vag-iddity-doo! Vaggy Vaggy Vaggy Vee! Vaggy Vaggy Vaggy Voo! Vaaaag-o-laaaaaah! I'm Merkin the Vagician! The Republic of Vag-inistan! Va-Jay-Jay Abrams Presents: Fringe! Silence. Horrified, stunned, silence. Then it hit me: guys don't know why they laugh at dicks and butts, because no one has asked them to be introspective about why they laugh, because most people laugh at dicks and butts nowadays, because in generations past most comedians were men, who naturally only talked about their own parts. So if you parade around the congruent parts on a lady, it's like a fucking freak show. A horrifying, mystifying freakshow. My argument is this: dicks and butts are funny, and always will be. But feminism hasn't done its job until what we laugh at catches up with what we pretend to believe in public. Until men can laugh at women's funny parts just as we've been laughing at men's. It's that dark gap between our reach and our grasp at being a little more than just thumb monkeys. We'll know that women are equal when everyone in America can laugh at Martha Stewart laboriously forcing decorative Easter grass into her vaginal canal. And seriously -- if you're a comedy writer and you're female, you have committed to have that conversation, or something like it, every day for the rest of your career. So thank you, South Park. Thanks for the Queefs. <center><iframe src='http://www.fancast.com/tv/South-Park/62926/1080076389/South-Park---Eat%2C-Pray%2C-Queef/embed' width='420' height='355' scrolling='no' frameborder='0'></iframe></center>

Debauchery.

Big news Chicago ended it's first run tonight, and this is the debauchery I see. Amazing and petrifying.

Response to: An Open Letter to Outraged Republicans

[from Huffington Post]

Dear Everyone,

Thank you so much for the wonderful comments. Sometimes even I scare me a little bit. That Rush Limbaugh keynote yesterday just released a little pent-up bile.

I will respond to one of the commenters, though. S/he said that I was taking a cheap shot by referencing gigantic, waddling, massive, Jabba-the-Human type citizens. S/he said that a fat joke is similar to Ann Coulter calling John Edwards a Faggot. Absolutely true. There are many people who are healthy and happy who have BMIs higher than, say, Angelina Jolie. My apologies to those happy people in this category.

I *will* defend the sad truth behind the argument: there is a staggering statistical significance in the relationship between poverty and obesity in this country. This might be because studies in my hometown of Chicago have shown that the lower the per-capita income of a neighborhood, the less likely it will be for that neighborhood to have a grocery store within walking distance.

It is also a scientific fact that if you put your finger in Ann Coulter, your village will not flood.

Sadly, in this country health has become a luxury of the upper classes, and that is the real tragedy. Nothing turns me more Red than thinking of the Snackfood-Industrial Complex preying on disproportionately lower income consumers. For many of the working poor, their asses have become an appendage of the Machine.

Slightly less hysterically,
aemilia

Aemilia Scott: An Open Letter to Outraged Conservatives

Wow.  Social Networking.  Hoo Wah.

My most recent post on the Huffington... Post.

Aemilia Scott: An Open Letter to Outraged Conservatives

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Texxon -- Greenology.

A brand new commercial from your favorite, friendly, neighborhood oil conglomerate.

Take cover, it's a bacon explosion.

No words. No words. Except maybe: explosion.

I wish I had never seen "North and South"... twice in a row.

There is no concealing it:  I've been watching nothing but English costume dramas for the last three days.  The jewel in the crown of my cinematic empire is "North and South," the adaptation of Elizabeth Gaskell's novel about old and new money during the Industrial Revolution.  It's a great piece, but I have one thing to say:

What the fuck, Richard Armitage.  

Your portrayal of Industrialist John Thornton absolutely superb.  Fine.  But in one short hour you've turned me from a hard-assed cynic to a sad housewife in a gigantic muumuu.  Your staggering, smoldering, smoking hotness has set me on the path to live a life in front of my TV, slowly gaining weight by watching "North and South" in a continuous loop and eating nothing but Stouffers' pizzas and heavy cream, until finally the Air National Guard has to unhinge my front door and airlift me to the hospital for radical gastric bypass surgery, and in a horrible irony of fate my dreams of fame are granted by a short feature on the Jerry Springer episode entitled, "1000 POUNDS AND PROUD OF IT!"

Come on.  Just give me a Godamned break, Richard Armitage.

New Jersey, how I love ye.

Anyone who has driven in new jersey will understand me when I say: fucking fucktard cock bag face fuck.

This state has a perfect storm of poor signage and criminally insane motorists. As such, I was edged off of route 9 and onto a surface street by a ford bronco. In the upside, I found out something lovely about this fair state: perfect, undisturbed pickets of ethnic food. Case in point: Korean!

CHICAGO WINS! -- featured on 236.com

Yeah, That's RIGHT it is.  

http://www.236.com

And here's the permanent link, which you probably don't need because you're smart enough to click on the homepage... if YOUR state's governor didn't have the BALLS to cut your school's budget when you were growing up. Snap.

http://www.236.com/blog/w/aemilia_scott/chicago_wins_10649.php